Monday, April 23, 2007

I Am My Dog and My Dog is Me?

An article in the Sunday paper has me in a panic. It explores the possibility that our pets are a reflection of our inner selves. If this is true I am in a world of hurt.

First of all my Shih-Tzu, named Cookie, is 20% heavier than the average dog of her breed. Hmmm…I don’t have anything to say on this subject except, so far, not looking so good.

Secondly, she is a mess. When she was younger I would take her to the groomer regularly to style her coiffure and trim her nails. Now, I’ve come to accept that she is a family dog, not royalty, and she runs around most of the time looking like a rag muffin. If that is a reflection on me, my expensive new hair straightening iron is not doing its job.

Perhaps worst of all, Cookie is a barking, raving lunatic. My neighbors must truly be saints, because not one of them has tried to feed her rat poison, yet. I know I too can be full of jibber jabber, especially when I get the opportunity to converse with people who experienced puberty before President George W. Bush came to office, but I hope no one sees me as a yapping crazy lady.

Finally, the saddest realization is: (all you animal lovers just close your eyes for the next few words) I hate my dog. Not that I wish her any harm, at least not permanent harm, but most days, I just detest her food, her smell, her mess and her uppity ways. And if I hate my dog, what does that say about me and how I feel about myself?

All of this is is a reality I am not prepared to face. The more I think about the article, I am convinced it was published in order to drive otherwise sane housewives like me to seek professional counseling.

I feel the need to shake these disturbing thoughts and do something refreshing. Something that will make me feel whole and normal again. Where is my adorable dog? I need some matted hair to rip through with a comb.


  1. Don't worry, I reckon whoever wrote the article just had writer's block and didn't know what else to write.

    I'm certainly not as fat as our cat, Mr Scooter. Nor do I live at Granny's like he does. And as for licking my bum hole....

    Bob :@}

  2. You bought the dog for your kids! Maybe Cookie is actually a reflection on them- not you. If you had no kids at home, and picked out a dog for yourself- then you could use the dog mirror.

  3. B.T. Bear -

    Licking the bumbhole?! You had to go there didn't you!

    Still laughing,

  4. Christine,

    You mean S1 - D3 are the messy loud ones? You may be on to something there.... No it's too obvious.


  5. Hi Deborah,

    You're worried? YOU'RE worried? Oi, wot about me? I ain't got a dog. I ain't got a cat. I ain't even got a kangaroo. No pets. No nuffin.

    So does that mean I don't exist?

    Please reply soon so I know whether to validate my current passport or not.

    Yours (in a state of confusion)


    PS: Didja see that I tagged you?

  6. There oughta be a song about hating my own dog, because I totally resonate with that. My wife and the kids love it, but I only tolerate it because I love them!

    I have this recurring daydream that makes me smile. Remember the catapult from Monte Python's Holy Grail? I image taking my dog to the park that way.
    Chugga-chugga (catapult sound)
    (Now, we watch in awe as the putrescent pooch makes a grand, glorious arch across the heavens, followed surreastically by a smokey blur which is her visible stench)
    SPLASH!!! Awww, shucks! She hit the pond, we have to do it again!

  7. David,

    You don't own a pet? And you have children? I didn't know such a thing was possible! Maybe you should consider purchasing a goldfish, or something, before you sink into oblivion.

    And yes - I saw that I was tagged! Thanks!

  8. Craver Vii,
    Why do most guy's conversations begin or end with something about Monte Python? It truly is a cultural phenomenon worth studying. And if not Monty Python, then definitely Caddy Shack. Am I right? Or am I right?

  9. Given those options, I would definitely say that you are right. It's just that these movies are so useful!

    C'mon, you like the catapult idea, don't you. Come onnnn...

  10. It is a sad reality when every situation in your life can be explained by a scene from Monte Python or Caddyshack. Sad, sad indeed.

  11. Oh crap. My cat is basically Garfield, and my dog is basically Odie. No kidding. And I have a goldfish.

    None of those are really flattering.

  12. Bart,
    So what you are saying is that you are a dumb yet lovable lazy lasagna lover that is a good swimmer??

  13. I also hate Monday's, have an abnormally long tongue, and very short term memory...

  14. Bart,
    Abnormally long tongue!? Trying so hard not to piture it...

  15. *wiping tears of laughter*

    I hate all pets of all kinds. Why? For all of the above mentioned reasons. Add allergies, asthma, impatience...

    Craver-I really relate to Monty. I sooo saw that pooch fly!

    Check out this video clip out-hilarious! Strong Leash

  16. Eve,
    You like Monty Python too? Oh, heaven help me.


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