Monday, September 24, 2007

Hot & Bothered

Because I cannot sit quietly when people are nonsensical, I often become more than uptight listening to Bob Lonsberry.

You've heard how I love my talk radio. And I do. After 9 AM. Because before 9 AM, at least during the hours that I am conscious, my favorite talk radio station features one of my least favorite radio show hosts.

In case you have never had the narrow experience of listening to Mr. Lonsberry, imagine someone who sees the world from his singular point of view, that is about as broad as a grain of mustard seed. And if you fall any direction outside that parameter, and how could you not, then you are in error. In a nutshell, or shall I say mustard seed, that is Bob.

But for some reason, this morning, I tuned in anyway. I dropped in on a discussion about the Mormons Exposed upcoming 2008 missionary calendar and I realized something Bob should already know. It is difficult to hold a debate on something when no one disagrees with you. And for once I even agreed, in principle anyway, with Bob.

But let me back up and fill you in, because chances are you have not heard of the soft-porn, ruckus-causing publication. Basically Mormons Exposed is a calendar featuring topless male Mormon returned missionaries. Sounds harmless to many of you, but in Mormon country, it's definitely causing a stir.

I agree this calendar is an odd enterprise within the Mormon culture. If you know Mormons, and understand their commitments to modesty, then you may appreciate the conflict. If not, then you'll have to trust me. It's a bit of a screwy concept. And I'm not just saying that because I have not yet been contacted by CMH Entertainment LLC to model for the sequel calendar Hot Mormon Moms.

But that was not my point when I dialed Bob's number on my cell phone this morning. I called him up to voice my opinion on the idea behind the calendar which applies to any product in this type of genre. Basically, men have to get over themselves and how they look because as women, we don't really care.

Now before you start arguing about how I'm screwed up or how you, your girlfriend, you sister, or your mom loves this type of junk, let me say one thing: PlayBoy outsells PlayGirl one thousand to one. The end.

It is a fact that women do not think like men. And if you are a man you probably first realized this when you were six and caught an elusive, slippery frog in the nearby pond and when you excitedly went to show it to the neighbor girl, she screamed and cried and then wouldn't even look your direction for a month.

If you are like Bob and have not had the fortune of learning that little bit of information, do so now. It will go a long way in your future relationships.

Don't forget it: Women Do Not Think Like Men. Ever.

All a man needs to do is think of how he would react to something, flip it upside down, do a 180, turn a few somersaults, jump up and down and then you'll be there or somewhere nearby. As in the vicinity of where a woman is in her thought process. But don't think that as a man you can actaully go "there" on your own. Consider yourself gymnastically challenged in this regard.

So I gave ol' Bob a jingle and he kindly put me on the air. I told him women are more complex than men. We are not as easily sexually stimulated visually like a man. We are wired differently. I proposed that if there is any market for these types of calendars among women it is largely because such thinking has been imposed on women by a male dominant society. Men like to think that women want to stare at their bodies, but we don't find it as stimulating like a man does looking at a woman.

Bob said apparently I've never seen him in his Levi 501's.

Point made perfectly. Thank you, Bob.

Oh, and a big ol' Charlie Brown, "Urrgghhh!" to you too!

If you have nothing better to do with your time the radio broadcast can be heard here. Go to Monday, September 24th and fast forward to 95% of the way to the end. (I was the second to the last caller for the day. I called in under the secret code name of "Debbie.")

If you want to read one of many credible scientific studies that backs up my statements about women and visual sexual stimulation compared to men go here.


  1. Just playing devils advocate here but, why then do women like decorative things like throw pillows, if there not visually stimulated.... again just arguing for arguements sake, I agree with you that chicks are crazy ;)

  2. Shecky,

    I am fairly certain that as women we shop for decorative items for two reasons. 1) To have a prettier house than our friend and 2) To drive up our credit card bills or drain our husband's/boy friends/significant other's bank accounts.

    But don't try to lump throw pillows in the category of trivial decorative items. They are a necessity absolutely needed to balance the couch, coodinate the chair with the sofa, add a splash of color, add variety of texture and achieve an overall pleasing line. Oh, and don't try using said pillows to rest you dirty feet or gelled-hair head either.

    Okay, okay maybe we are stimulating visually. Just not as easily sexually stimulated visually.

    All this talk about sects (spelling courtesy of b.)! Jeeesh!

  3. I agree - absolutely - that women are differently wired. However, I disagree that women have somehow been coerced into buying such calendars because of a male-dominated society.

    If you'll remember, one of the biggest arguments of Women's Liberation in the early days was that women DO have sex drives similar to men. For anyone to propose that they didn't was considered sexist and discriminatory. So, I'd argue that calendars of the sort you mention have largely been perpetuated BY women, in a misguided attempt to somehow be equally as vile as men :-)

    (Although I certainly won't argue if you want to make the case that they're mostly produced by men or male-owned companies. That's probably true.)

  4. Suldog, many time will the Women's Lib movement come back to bite us in our tight, knee bend crunching toned hind ends!

    But no matter what a few Women's Libbers have said, our sex drives are revved up differently than a man's. Read the scientific study link - it really is fascinating!

  5. Mormon Missionaries with big egos. Someone didn't do their marketing research.

  6. Chewy,

    This flies in the face of textbook market research - good point!

  7. I wish you had called in at the beginning of the show and allowed other women the opportunity to side with you. Bob Lonsberry, as well as many radio hosts has a genius way of making his point clear. It can be very intimidating to find yourself on live radio disagreeing with him. But Debbie, you were right on! Way to be the pioneer!

  8. Michelle,

    Where would I be without fans like you?

  9. Sorry this is off-post, but ....

    Hi Debbie,

    It's Wednesday morning here in Oz and I have just spoken to a very senior former book publisher about your query.

    I wasn't entirely sure about the intricacy of the question, so I wanted to get an expert opinion for you.

    Will email you the details when I get home after work - and will also post a Telling Write From Wrong segment on the topic tomorrow.



  10. I am sure that a better money maker would have been a calender with retuned SISTER missionaries!!!
    - Christine

  11. Good for you, Debbie,

    Unfortunately, many enlighted people in the world media do not understand or appreciate that salient fact of life. I'm so glad you called.

    Love your choice of ``secret name''! And may I say that I love the title of this post. Master stroke, ma'am.

    Keep smiling


  12. Whoa. Not your typical missionary calendar.

  13. You are so right! I live in Utah and holy cowpie Batman! This calendar is causing a ruckus! I personally think the idea is so not regular Mormon-like that I may just go and buy myself one. Who knows? My laundry room could use some decor. :D

  14. Christine,

    Probably so. But no sister missionaries would ever do it. Would they?

  15. David,

    So glad you appreciate the subtleties of the title. I do most of my disguise work going by the name Deborah or Debbie. It's easy to remember.

  16. Craver,

    It does not reflect well on our faith. But what can you do?

  17. Pezlady,

    Thanks for dropping by! We'll endure the chaos together.

  18. I think everyone's missing the point here.

    The target demographic for this calendar isn't Mormons...and it isn't women either.

  19. I'm in total agreement with grettir!! That is the feeling I got when I saw it, read about it, and saw the promotional video they had on youtube. It's for gays.

    You.called.Bob.Lonsberry??? And got on?
    I can't stand him. I agree with your description of him and would add stammering, stuttering, whiner. I think I would have like to have heard this discussion though.
    I can't believe you rock!

  20. Grettir,

    You've voiced my unspoken (until now) fear about the whole deal.

  21. b.,

    It's way easy to get on the Bob Lonsberry show. No one ever calls in! You only wait 45 minutes for him to stop talking and then you are on!

  22. Yikes! I just hopped on VERY QUICKLY - saw the home page only... and I have to disagree with Grettir AND Debbie. I think it IS for mormons.... Nice Widowed Mormons like myself :)

  23. I just can't believe you had the kahunas to do it! It's no wonder nobody calls...have you heard how he stutters and whines people to shreds if they disagree with him?
    I guess you were safe because you did essentially agree with him.

  24. Kim,

    You made me laugh and snort ice water through my nose all over my keyboard.


  25. b.,

    I've called him once before. You'd have thought we were agreeing, but he was disagreeing anyway. Bottom line: He reallybugs me.

  26. I SOOOOO agree with you, girl! Preach it!

  27. You are sooooo right and I am sooooo glad I learned that very important lesson at the very young age of 19. And again at 23. And isn't is interesting the Mormons Exposed can also be read as Mormon Sex Posed.

    I'm just sayin.'

  28. Compulsive,

    Are you going to blog what happened at 19 and then again at 23? We'd all love to hear....

  29. New to the blog but I just have to say that almost every gay friend I have has either bought or plans on buying this calendar! I have to agree with the previous comment that this calendar was not targeted at women--especially not LDS women.
    I must say there are some sexy guys in there ;-) It's all in good fun!

  30. By the way...June is the best month on the!

  31. I hate the internet. It means always finding things way too late. Will anyone ever read this comment? Probably not.

    Mormons exposed is not contained in LDS culture. It is for everyone. It is for a peculiar demographic- people who have a reason to laugh about the LDS version of masculintity. In this way it is not merely for "GAYS" as b. so callously and probably sarcastically wrote - it would be (taking that as an example) for gays who have experience with the LDS church.
    The calendar is a satire. No one takes it seriously. It therefore is not a purely sexual object- NO ONE is getting off on this sexually- they get off on it at the intersection of irony/irrevererance/sexuality.
    Women and men and gays and straights find it interesting because it pokes at our time honored tradition of sanctified return missionary. It is the opposite of everything we expect. It is THUS ironic.


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