I Don't Cook

I'd like to think I am a nurturing mother, but I do not do typical nurturing mother things, like make meals. In fact I'm very bad at that. I do try to make one or two meals a week. I know, that's pathetic.

But I don't want my children to starve either. This is why they are taught critical survival skills at a very young age. See, I do love them.

By age two my children know how to make at least three meals for themselves:

1. Breakfast: Cold cereal with milk (very popular)
2. Lunch: Toast with butter
3. Dinner: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich (not very popular)

D2 was an exceptional child and went beyond the basics. She learned how to make her own microwave popcorn as well. I did not consider this a possibility for S1, D1 and S2 when they were only two years-old, because the potential for burning the popcorn was too high. With that type of liability, the risk far out weighed the benefit.

But when D2 was a baby, we got a new over-the-stove microwave/hood combo. It had all the bells and whistles (at least by our standards) like a single touch, perfectly popped, "POPCORN" button.

So when D2 expressed an interest in making, or at least an interest in eating the buttery salty puffs, I took the initiative to show her how to make it herself. It does not seem easy, but at the tender age of two, she quickly mastered all the steps. Hunger can do amazing things.

In case any of you are as negligent about feeding your children as I am, here was my training outline. Please feel free to copy this for incidental home use.

1. Push bar stool to pantry and stand on bar stool seat.
2. Take one package of popcorn out of Costco-sized bulk microwave popcorn box that for some odd reason is kept conveniently on the top shelf.
3. Remove plastic wrapper (this step is important).
4. Move bar stool to microwave oven.
5. Make sure stove top is not hot (this is a crucial step).
6. Climb on bar stool and then onto stove to reach microwave completely.
7. Open microwave door.
8. Insert bag of microwave popcorn. (It has a side which the bag specifies needs to be "up" - This is not so important as long as you don't mind butter dripping out of the bag and all over interior of microwave, which Mom doesn't mind at all. Mom is okay with cleaning, but not with cooking, remember?)
9. Close microwave door.
10. Push "POPCORN" button.
11. Let microwave pop the corn while standing away from front of microwave door (because Mom thinks that causes cancer).
12. When microwave dings and lights goes off, open microwave door.
13. Carefully open bag (another important safety step).
14. Eat your meal without bothering Mom.