Parting is Such Sheep Sorrow

Because Bart has been clamoring for more missionary tales, and since I've only told one or two, I've got another today. As I have not served a mission, this story is retold from the DH archives.

One particular missionary that served in England with DH was Elder Poulsen. Elder Poulsen was a country boy from Utah, and playing pranks on other missionaries was his forte. He was so evil he made DH look like a choir boy.

More than one unsuspecting missionary had been left in the dust by Elder Poulsen because a bike tire had abruptly fallen off mid ride. Further investigation into the unfortunate accident would reveal that the tire bolt had been mysteriously loosened only minutes earlier. The destruction had most likely been done while the missionary companion had run back into the flat, on behalf of Elder Poulsen's request, for a forgotten leaflet.

Several elders (male missionaries) had uncomfortable conversations with sisters (female missionaries) because they needed to temper supposed romantic inclinations. They had been told in confidence by Elder Poulsen that a certain female missionary had the "hots for them." Of course, none of the alleged romantic feelings had been substantiated by any inkling of proof, which is probably what made the drama so seemingly enjoyable for Elder Poulsen.

Because of his reckless nature, many of the other missionaries were not so fond of Elder Poulsen, and they did little to hide their lack of affection.

Near the very end of Elder Poulsen's two year mission, several missionaries were celebrating his upcoming departure from England. But some seemed more contrite. A few of the missionaries in Elder Poulsen's mission sent him a package shortly before his scheduled departure date.

Elder Poulsen received the package one afternoon in the mail. Sitting in the flat he shared with three other missionaries, he unwrapped the twine and tore off the brown paper. The box of chocolates immediately had the others' eyes, but Elder Poulsen refused to share. He first looked inside at the hand written card from the kind-hearted package-posting missionaries.

Upon opening the note, Elder Poulsen read a sincere message his fellow missionaries had written. Expressing gratitude for his work ethic and example, the missionaries wrote of their respect for him and their confidence in Elder Poulsen and his abilities. They concluded with sharing their love for him and the work with which they were all involved.

Not one to be emotional, even Elder Poulsen was more than misty eyed by the peace offering. Still refusing the pleadings to share from his flat mates, he popped a chocolate in his mouth and began to open another letter.

After sucking on the soft melting chocolate for a minute, a striking putrid taste began to emit from the delicacy. Elder Poulsen quickly spit out the offending treat. Then he looked around. Apparently, having given up on receiving even one morsel of chocolate, and deeply engrossed in their own letters from home, none of the fellow missionaries had noticed Elder Poulsen's half-eaten confection.

In an uncharacteristic streak of generosity, Elder Poulsen threw a chocolate morsel to each of the other missionaries. They quickly gobbled the rare treats with delight, so Elder Poulsen tossed them each another.

Midway through the second round, one of them caught on to Elder Poulsen's inconsistent sharing of chocolates. In a loud gagging eruption, the fellow missionary's taste buds told him the truth about the supposed treats.

When eaten quickly, one could hardly notice, but when slowly enjoyed, the triple chocolate dipped sheep droppings were positively awful.

The Perfect Prayer Prank

DH has only a mild history of being a jester. But the few gags he has done have been well executed (putting aside the obvious Bob's Big Boy incident, of course). Evil scheming authored the Greeny Companion Gag he pulled on some poor lad in England.

In the late 80's DH went to England for two years to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Donning the title of "Elder", this was to be two years of spiritual growth for an otherwise immature 19-year-old. It is common to be paired with another young male "companion" and together they were to spread a message of Christ and the Gospel. For the most part, that was the lofty work DH was involved in during those two years. But that is not to suggest he was a perfect saint

After DH had been in England for more than a year, he received a new companion fresh from the United States (aka "A Greeny"). Fighting a terrible case of jet lag, this new missionary was not very successful at avoiding the urge to doze off during what should have been wakeful hours.

Soon it was Sunday morning which for two missionaries, obviously meant time to attend church. Sure enough, once the opening hymn was sung and opening prayer was given, this new messenger to England was sound asleep in an awkward upright position. DH, let the poor boy snooze for some time. Amazed at the young man's ability to be so soundly slumbering during the middle of the morning, DH quickly developed a not-so-righteous plan.

During a lull not more than half way through the Sabbath Day meeting, DH gave the inexperienced missionary a huge elbow and whispered, "Elder, the Bishop just asked you to give the closing prayer." Abruptly brought back from dreamland the obedient missionary promptly walked to the front of the chapel, stood at the pulpit, looked over the unsuspecting crowd, then bowed his head and eloquently prayed a blessing on the congregation to close the meeting.

A bit bewildered, the Bishop stood up. As the newly hazed missionary walked back to sit next to DH, who was doubled over in pain trying to silence his body from exploding in hilarity, the Bishop quickly suggested, "While our new Elder has given us a closing prayer, I think we will keep going for at least a few more minutes."