My Albertsons Loves Me

Getting anything in the mail other than an account statement or credit card offer is rare. In our family, I've declared that all fake credit cards that appear in the mailbox belong to S2. He’s been collecting them for nearly two years and has a stack six inches tall. Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking and yes, I will be selling the collection on eBay to pay for his college. D2 gets all the stickers. While they are not as prolific as the fake credit cards, they are understandably more fun. We will not be able to sell them on eBay though because they have been put to good use all over bedroom furniture, kitchen appliances, car windows and my unsuspecting back. Be certain, that while S1 and D1 do not have any designated mail benefits, I am not playing favorites. These continual gifts bestowed by the mail lady are small tokens of compensation S2 and D2 receive for being the middle, oft-ignored children.

Needless to say whenever I receive real mail I get a little tipsy with excitement. Like yesterday when Albertsons wrote me. The letter was very grand indeed. It began by [thanking me] for being one of [their] very best customers. You know, I do patronize Albertsons grocery store regularly, and I spend more in a month than most people spend on their mortgage. The letter makes a surprising assumption though as it is hoped that [I] will continue to choose Albertsons for all of [my] shopping needs. While it could be possible, do I really look like I buy my shoes, makeup, clothing and furniture at Albertsons along with my groceries? The letter goes on to suggest that if [I] have any special requests…Hmmm… I’m guessing they are referring to things like vallet parking or radio stations – do you think they’d crank up the volume and blare Dr. Laura? …or just need assistance…Uh oh, busted! They’ve obviously noticed how unruly it is when I bring S1-D3 to the store with me.... I shouldn’t hesitate to give [them] a call...or ask...next time I visit.

Now that is dandy! So incredibly dandy, in fact, the letter is almost perfect. If only it had included one of those fake credit cards. Or some stickers.