For She's a Jolly Good Salesman

"You can't do that!" I pouted, "It's not right." Jackie did not seem to care what I said or how I felt as she remained unshaken with her nose in the air and her small hand outstretched awaiting the money. I squished my lips tighter and then dug my last two coins from the front pocket of my shorts. As I moved to place it in her greedy little hand, I recoiled for a second and then finally let her have another ten cents - my last ten cents - with an extra hard slap in the hand.

She ignored my childish anger and professionally responded, "And for ten cents you may have your choice of a Jolly Rancher in cherry or green apple." "I want watermelon," I countered. "Watermelon, blue raspberry and grape are very popular flavors, so I raised the price. They cost a nickle more." "But you know I don't have any more money," I whined. "So cherry or green apple?" she replied matter-of-factly. "Cherry." I grumbled. "No, green apple, green apple."

I unwrapped the hard candy, dropped it in my mouth, and walked to sulk on my bed. Trying to make it last a long time, I promised myself that this time I would not bite the small sugary block, but suck on it until it was a razor thin, sharp-edged candy. And then I'd suck a little longer until it melted away into nothing but a lingering flavor on my tongue.

"She thinks she is being so smart," I thought to myself, but I knew I was really wishing I had the foresight to save my money like my eight-year old sister did.

As soon as we had as much as twenty-five cents, my four younger sisters and I were usually begging Mom to let us walk uptown to the gas station to buy some candy. Deciding whether to buy five nickle candies like two Sweet Tart suckers and three small packs of Sixlets, or one big candy bar was a weighty decision. So important it often required twenty minutes or more of deliberation.

A few weeks ago, my younger sister Jackie had ceased coming on these outings. She oddly remained happily at home while we went on our frivolous spending sprees. Then one day she unexpectedly asked Mom if she could tag along with her to the grocery store a mile or two away. Mom agreed and Jackie came home an hour later with the biggest bag of Jolly Ranchers we had ever seen. It had been purchased with at least four weeks of money saved from doing odd jobs. Immediately, we surrounded her and begged for one of the candies.

Our pleadings were met with flat refusal. But, she agreed to sell them to us for ten-cents each. We brought her all our coins and each purchased as many as we could afford. Next we started searching the couches and the washing machine and the cigarette tray in the car for more spare change. As soon as we had enough to make ten cents, we were back in Jackie's room to complete another transaction. Neighbor kids heard about the hard to find candies, now available by the piece, and started coming to the house to make a purchase as well

We were mostly okay with the arrangement until one evening Jackie boasted that she had purchased the bag of Jolly Ranchers for $1.99 and in two days had made over five dollars. That was when I concluded she was being greedy and mean. The thought of all the money she had made off of me alone, was upsetting. As I awoke from my angry day dream, I found myself biting and chewing my precious candy.

"Oh no!" I kicked myself. "So much for enjoying it slowly."

The only thing left to do was figure out where to find ten more cents. Maybe behind the dryer. I was betting none of my sisters had thought to look there.

More D2 Funnies: Another Fast One

Background #1: In the LDS (Mormon) religion we set aside one Sunday a month known as Fast Sunday. Members typically come to church fasting for about 24 hours total. DH and I don't require the little children to fast, but when they get older we encourage them to fast for one meal which is often Sunday morning breakfast.

Background #2: Our typical Sunday meeting schedule is a 3 hour block. That puts us at church at least an hour or two longer than D2 would like.

One Sunday morning S2 and D2 sat at the kitchen bar. They had an array of newly-purchased cereals lined up in front of them from which they were freely partaking. I walked in and immediately S2 stopped mid mouthful and asked guiltily, with milk dripping from the corners of his mouth, "Today's not Fast Sunday is it?"

"No," I smiled, "Not until next week."

D2 groaned in reply, "Does that mean its gonna be a slow Sunday then?"

Mom's Going Where? Not So Fast.

A few months ago I was preparing to leave for a long weekend girl's trip. We sat the children down to make them aware that I would be gone. We explained things might seem a little different, but we assured them Dad would be there to take care of everything.

They looked a little sullen at the news and so to cheer them up, DH shouted, "Four days of fast food! Yeah!"

Immediately D2 was even more visibly distraught. "Don't worry, sweetheart," I consoled, "Mommy isn't going to be gone too long. And you'll have fun with Dad while I'm gone."

"But," she worried with tears forming in her green eyes, "I don't think I can fast without food for four days."

One is Silver and the Other's Gold

Photograph copyright: DAVID McMAHON

When I was a Brownie (think miniature Girl Scout) we sang a little song in a round. It went as follows:

Make new firends but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold.

David McMahon is one of many new friends I have met via my blog. A few days ago, I was asked by an old friend how I met David McMahon. Actually, I think the question was more precisely worded, "How did you find that blog guy from Australia that wrote a novel and always comments on your blog."

I immediately recalled, our first meeting on David's blog. Above is the riveting picture he posted and below is the text:

Morning Has Broken
Cloudy Day Starts In A Riot Of Colour

It's a slightly cooler day today, about 25 Celsius, with some rain forecast. And though it's grey and overcast and humid, here's proof that the day started as if someone had mixed the most vibrant colours and daubed them over the sky. The spire is the Arts Centre, which served as a terrific silhouette to offset the shades in the sky.

I commented:

Looks like Autumn in Melbourne is getting off to a beautiful start! Spring in Utah is struggling to find its way.

David, in true David fashion replied:

Hi Deborah,

Thanks for dropping by and leaving a link to a very interesting blogpost.

I've left a comment on your blog. Do keep me updated on your progress and even though I'm busy wrapping up another novel, I've always got time for fellow writers and bloggers.

Take care

David

Reprinted with permission from David McMahon's blog

Addicted to Blog?

Eve commented on my blog a couple days ago and I am having a difficult time shaking the thought that was immediately evoked in my mind. The thought that I could be a blogging addict.

While the thought seems a bit extreme, I decided to document my time spent one morning in an effort to spot anything unusual that may be a sign of a blog junkie. The following is a typical summer morning for me as the sole author of the infamous blog Uncommon Notions:

6:00 AM - Barely conscious, rolling over in bed with fuzzy dreams quickly draining from my mind, and reality coming into sharper focus, first cognitive thought for the day is, "What can I blog about this morning?" Fall back asleep loosely creating photos with funny captions, clever anecdotes, and long-winded tell-all tales in my mind.

7:00 AM - Wake up for the second time and stumble into the shower. This part of my life has been blogged. What else?

8:00 AM - Check email and then saunter to the kitchen to pour cold cereal for anyone that will get up. Usually only D1, D2 and D3. Maybe I could I blog on cold cereal? Nope, been there done that too.

9:00 AM - Finish checking email, read some blogs.

9:45 AM - Start to panic. Freak! What will I write about?

9:55 AM - Suddenly, get a blogtastic idea for a Very Funny Blog!

10:00 AM - Begin writing Very Funny Blog.

10:10 AM - Quickly switch computer screen from Very Funny Blog to QuickBooks when DH comes back home unexpectedly. Assure him I'll have his accounting numbers ready by the end of the day.

10:12 AM - Switch back to Very Funny Blog as soon as front door is heard closing.

10:15 AM - Type very lightly while listening to my sister on phone about something or whatever. Vow to self to move quieter keyboard into office from bedroom computer so this will not be an issue in the future.

10:18 AM - Pinch baby so she will cry. Terminate phone conversation with sister early on behalf of crying baby.

10:19 AM - Call D1 into the office to take care of crying baby.

10:20 AM - Rewrite Very Funny Blog. Delete half my verbose wording, and edit misspellings and misuse of words.

10:25 AM - Begin to wish I had paid more attention to Ms. Wiltsie during 11th grade English teaching us when to use who versus whom. Briefly consider blogging about my English teacher happily stuck in the 60's.

10:27 AM - Wonder whether or not to underline a title, italicize the title or put said title in quotes. Double think other critical yet basic grammar lessons.

10:29 AM - Repeatedly read Very Funny Blog making small changes with each pass through.

10:38 AM - Reread Very Funny Blog just to make sure there are no "just"s in there. Just for Bart's sake and no one else's.

10:40 AM - Lightly pound desk in laughter. Smile at how incredibly witty I am. Reread Very Funny Blog for the 27th time and make more minor edits.

10:43 AM - Find a much funnier word for an overused word in Very Funny Blog at Thesaurus.com. Congratulate myself for being so resourceful to do in-depth research for Very Funny Blog.

10:45 AM - Begin process of finding the Perfect Picture for Very Funny Blog. Peruse personal photos folder. Consider taking original photo (David would be so proud). Do not consider drawing or painting Perfect Picture like McGlinch or Chewy. Decide to search via Google Images and steal Perfect Picture instead.

11:15 AM - Publish Very Funny Blog with Perfect Picture.

11:16 AM - Click [View Blog]

11:17 AM - Admire Perfect Picture and reread Very Funny Blog again. Chuckle at Very Funny Blog's clever humor. Wonder how many people will appreciate hidden pun in Very Funny Blog.

11:19 AM - Find typo in Very Funny Blog!

11:20 AM - Edit Very Funny Blog. Reread two more times and republish.

11:25 AM - Click [View Blog]

11:26 AM - Pause and once again admire Perfect Picture and start to reread Very Funny Blog for the 31st time. Laugh out loud at Very Funny Blog's well contrived humor.

11:29 AM - Smile at the completed work of Very Funny Blog.

11:30 AM - Refresh blog page and notice there are no comments yet.

11:32 AM - Trying to hide disappointment, check email to see if the comments magically appear in my Inbox before appearing on the blog. Notice no comments, only one email from Aeropostale inviting me to their Sizzling Summer Sale.

11:34 AM - Refresh blog page again. Still no comments on Very Funny Blog.

11:37 AM - Switch over load of laundry and change baby's diaper.

11:55 AM - Check email for Very Funny Blog comments. Click [Send/Receive]. Watch computer think. Will it find Very Funny Blog comments? Send/Receive is complete. No new messages.

11:58 AM - Wonder what on earth people have to do that could possibly be better than reading and commenting on Very Funny Blog.

12:00 NOON - Skulk into kitchen to make a meal that will serve simultaneously as lunch for D1, D2 and D3 as well as breakfast for S1 and S2.

Sounds healthy and normal to me. Don't you think?

It's a Bird...It's a Plane...

"Mom, if this world had super powers, I know what yours would be: cleaning!" - D2

Don't be too impressed, I am not Super Cleaning Mom. Her standard for cleanliness is simply not as high as most people's.

Video-Game Addiction Prescription

The AMA is considering officially recognizing video-game addiction as a mental illness. Of course, a complete effort will take years of study and debate. Personally, I thought the American Medical Association had much bigger problems on their hands like Bird Flu, Cancer and Heart Disease. Nevertheless, apparently they feel video-game addiction is enough of a threat to our society that it warrants the time and effort required to officially list it among the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The initial debate begins Sunday and a preliminary vote will take place next week.

I do not even want to consider what this will do to the United States health care system. If it can be officially diagnosed, how many employees will be submitting for paid time off of work based on mental illness leave? And when left alone all day at home with no job to go to, what else will they have to do in between psychiatrist appointments? Besides play video games on the couch?

Speaking from first hand experience, there is nothing about video-game addiction that makes a person mentally ill. Video-game addiction is simply an addiction. And like other addictions, it can be beat. Oh, it is not easy. But with a little blindsided intervention from those who love you the most, it can be done.

Once upon a time (back in 2001), I too fell prey to the video-gaming industry's subtle addicting ways. My brother kindly loaded some simulator on my PC so I could play all the oldie but goodie video games from the 80's. I had Frogger, Tertris and what soon became my master: Dr. Mario.

It all began so innocently. While the children were napping, I'd venture down to the office and play some games for a little fun and relaxation. It was not long before Dr. Mario was the game that truly caught my fancy. Systematically ignoring all other games at my disposal, I became a die hard Dr. Mario fan.

As I got better, I could play for quite a stretch without "dying". This became a problem as the children would awake and while their cries could be heard from the office, I found it difficult, that is impossible, to leave my computer and go to them. Diapers went unchanged, meals went unprepared, baths went ungiven.

I knew it was time for a change. So I made some rules for myself. Only two lives (meaning after I died twice, I had to go back to being a mom), and I increased my speed from low to medium. I was still "living" until level 30 which means the pill bottle is all but full to start, so I increased the speed to high.

Still, I could play the game with relatively no trouble. It became so easy, I started on the highest level the game allows. Yep. Level 20. Speed set at high. That is where I always began.

I rationalized that with my new rules, my games were shorter so I could play more often than simply during nap time. So I decreased my life to one, and added more playing time to my schedule. I told myself I could play after finishing one chore. One load of laundry done equals time with Dr. Mario: Begin Level 20, Speed High, One Life. Unless I die immediately, then its a do-over.

A typical day went as follows: Feed the children breakfast = Dr. Mario. Change a diaper = Dr. Mario. Vacuum a couch = Dr. Mario. Make my bed = Dr. Mario. Brush my hair = Dr. Mario. Go to the bathroom = Dr. Mario. The fact that my minimal personal hygiene began to count as a chore did not alarm me in the least bit.

However, an alarm soon came. My brother and his friend Scott came over one day excited about an upcoming Dr. Mario Tournament at the Provo Towne Center. I encouraged them to enter, and offered if they needed any pointers, I would be happy to coach them. They looked at each other briefly, smiled, and then explained that it was me not them that they felt should enter the tournament.

Suddenly I saw a flash forward in my mind. I enter the tournament with a bunch of long haired, unshaven, fat thirty-somethings that don't shower. Then I kick their couch potato butts. I am called to the podium. With the National Anthem playing, I am awarded the Dr. Mario Regional Champion trophy. As I hold the heavy trophy high above my head, cameras flash. My name and picture with a brief article on how I rose to stardom, are on the front page of the local paper.

Hold the phone! I was not doing that. Despite their pleadings I refused to participate in the tournament because of only one fear. The fear that I knew I would win. At this time I realized that I had mastered Dr. Mario and my addiction had taken me to a place I did not want to be. That is when I realized I needed to change.

But I couldn't stop myself. So I continued.

One morning, after brushing my teeth (a chore complete: check) I went down to be with my love, Dr. Mario.

Houston, we have a problem. My video-gaming simulator for the PC was erroring out.

In a panic I called my brother. College term paper, finals to study for, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. "Whatever, get over here now!" I loudly insisted and hung up the phone. Knowing it would take him all of five minutes to solve my computer problem, I was more than irritated that he did not show. As I laid my head on the desk, willing my computer to work as it should, soon minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into days. And days turned into weeks. With no Dr. Mario, my life seemed empty and boring.

Eventually, I stopped placing unreturned phone calls to my brother. I started to clothe, feed and bathe my children. Occasionally we even went to the library or a park. And I found my life could go on without Dr. Mario.

But like all addictions for me it must be all or nothing. So I have never picked up a controller to empty a Dr. Mario medicine bottle full of pills since. Nor do I have any intention of doing so. But if I do, don't even try to play doubles with me. 'Cause I will kick your Dr. Mario butt!