Monday, January 7, 2008

I Am a Great Parent (BYKT)


Tonight I am the proud owner, or at least custodian, of two additional cell phones. While I already have a cell phone of my own, in this world of technological advances, three must surely be better than one. What I plan to do with them comes later. First, I must divulge how they came into my possession.

This afternoon D1 and S1 were specifically assigned to watch, tend, and otherwise care for precious, helpless, baby D3 during two one-hour shifts. When I arrived after their two hour split shift, I found the front hall table's contents strewn across the floor, adjacent to which were broken glass shards from a dropped jar candle. Piano books from the piano bench were placed along the stairs. I followed their path passed the kitchen where the pencil tray had been dumped out of the drawer onto the floor. Then I heard my D3's jibber jabber, so down the hallway I traversed into my bedroom. There she sat in a pile of pillows from my custom made (read expensive non-washable fabrics and trims) master bedding, smelling less-than-fresh.

After changing a diaper and enlisting S1 and D1's assistance in picking up the house and sweeping up broken glass, I sat contemplating a strategic response.

"I will take your cell phone now," I offered with an outstretched hand to S1 while he played on the PS3.

"Why?" asked S1 completely clueless as to how painful this was going to be.

"Because you failed in your responsibility to tend the baby, your cell phone privileges has been temporarily suspended," I explained.

A similar conversation was then held with D1 upstairs.

Now while this all happened only a couple hours ago, S1 and D1 have already asked if I was serious and when they get their phones back.

Naturally I am as serious. Completely serious. But that doesn't mean I don't plan to have a little fun. I understand that they are very concerned about their friends having no knowledge as to their unfortunate predicament. I assured them, that I will personally answer and respond to all calls and text messages. Somehow this has not had much of a calming affect.

I expect it to go something like this:

Friend Text: Where r u?
My reply on behalf of my dear child: DIKU
Friend Text: AYSOS
My reply on behalf of my dear child: Sorry OT. Have u heard of POS? PIR? PAW? PAL? or P911?
Friend Text: Yeah. WYP
My reply on behalf of my dear child: Oh, NP. BTW this is more of a PICOCP
Friend Text: PICOCP???
My reply on behalf of my dear child: Exactly! LOL. CYL.

IMHO, I am so on track for Mother-of-the-Year award, B4N!

Text Speak Dictionary
(for those of us not born after 1990):

BYKT = But you knew that
DIKU = Do I know you?
AYSOS = Are you stupid or something?
OT = Off topic
POS = Parents over shoulder
PIR = Parents in room
PAW = Parents are watching
PAL = Parents are listening
P911 = Parent alert
WYP = What's your problem?
NP = No problem
BTW = By the way
PICOCP = Parent in Control of Cell Phone (I made this one up, pure genius doncha think?)
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
CYL = See you later

INHO = In my humble opinion
B4N = Bye for now

30 comments:

  1. Its either pure genius or pure evil, I'm leaning towards the first. What do they even need cell phones for, I still dont have one.

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  2. I sure am glad you did some translating for all of us born before 1990. Not only do I know not what you said, I can't even txt. God forbid if I ever get one. I wouldn't even know how to retrieve it. I guess I will have to take a trip to Utah for a cell phone class.

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  3. I guess I need a refresher course on how to comment on your blog as well. That anonymous was me.

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  4. I don't have one either... yet.

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  5. i'm just glad to see that you've posted again. oh, how i miss your posts and curse that job of yours. hope that all is well with YAY. (you and yours.)
    CYL

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  6. I have no cell, have never had a cell, nor do I ever expect to have one. Just my choice. I don't particularly like being on a landline phone, let alone having one in my pocket to annoy me at odd times during the day.

    I find it amazing the extent to which teens (and young adults) today are tethered to each other, and how they feel so (for lack of a better word) frightened when they have those connections removed.

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  7. When I was overseas for a week, it would have been quicker for me to have flown home than to watch me trying to text my wife and kids!!!

    Debbie, you get my vote for Mum of the year - but you've always known that.

    Much love to the family. May you have a bestseller in 2008.

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  8. This was a great post! I love the consequences for the actions, and I so appreciate the lingo lesson. I text my kids, but do it like I type, no abbreviations and proper punctuation and capitalization! ;-)

    I fought having a cell for years, but now that is all we have. Cheaper than a land line and long distance, and easier to ignore when you don't want to talk!
    TM

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  9. Oh you are so awesome! This is Brilliant! You definatly deserve the Blogger Award!

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  10. You are SO my hero! I am going to file that one away for future reference my darling little one is of cell phone age.

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  11. Pope Terry,

    What do they need cell phones for? To ask their friends: "What r u doing", or when asked by their friends the same question, to reply: "Nothing". Come on, guy, this is important stuff!

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  12. Ozlady,

    A complete post in text speak. Wow! I am impressed!

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  13. Joanne,

    You are right about one thing: You need to take a trip to Utah!!!

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  14. Michal,

    It is a slow return to blogging, but I am trying.

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  15. Suldog,

    No cell phone either? Incredible!

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  16. David,

    I'll sign you up for a one-on-one texting seminar instructed personally by D1. In ten minutes you'll be a pro!

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  17. Karen,

    If being a stinker makes me rock, then you are definitely correct!

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  18. Casdok,

    The secret to the genius is a likewise consequence. And when the natural consequence isn't enough, I just get them where it hurts the most.

    Maybe Pope Terry is right. Maybe I am evil....

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  19. TM,

    Proper puncuation and capitalizaiton? And no abbreviations? How ever do you do it??

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  20. Colleen,

    A rare brilliant idea is fun to bask in. Thanks for basking with me.

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  21. Jenera,

    It's a keeper. Your dear one will love you as much as mine adore me!

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  22. I laughed AND I learned. I think it's pure EVIL GENIUS (and I mean that in the GOOD way).

    Sometimes Evil,
    Kate of Le monde de fromage de Kate

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  23. W2G. My favorite teen cell phone story was when my second son's drivers ed teacher was calling him to schedule his driving test. We were in the car and I won't let him answer the phone while he is driving so I answered it in my usual "Z~'s cell phone." She asked for him and I was able to tell her "He can't speak on the phone right while he's driving."

    Did I tell you he got 100% on his drivering test?

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  24. Hi Debbie,

    How's the writing going? Do let me know if I can help in any way.

    Love to the family

    David

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  25. I am wiping tears from my eyes, wonderful story! You are a way better mother than I am, I am the worst texter in the universe (I have myself four cell phones with kids attached). ;-)

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