Freakin Flippin Bird Crap

A few days ago, I commented on Eve's blog making reference to my Mormon faith. She indicated that she had no idea I was a Mormon. I wasn't sure I believed her, because if you went to BYU, live in Orem, Utah, and have five children, it should be pretty clear to which church you claim allegiance. Then I realized the truth: Eve had no idea I was a Mormon because I don't talk like one, at least not very often.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we are strongly encouraged to use clean and intelligent language. In other words, you shouldn't hear a lot of swearing from Mormons.

In an effort to follow the letter of the law, but not necessarily the spirit of the law, non-swearing swear words have been adopted in some Mormon subcultures. For example, crap, shister, shucks, and shoot, replace the crass term for poo. Terms such as flippin and freakin supplant the really bad word. Gosh, goll, and gawh prevent anyone from breaking one of the ten commandments (number three in case you haven't read Exodus 20 lately.) And while their use is sometimes justified since they can be found in the Bible, dang and heck are the generally more acceptable replacements for their Biblical counterparts.

And so if you come out to your driveway on a spring morning to find a bird left its mark on your freshly washed SUV, you could say, "Oh my freak! A flippin bird left crap on my gosh darn car! Dang it all to heck!"

And somehow, many people I know, would absolutely consider this to be "clean and intelligent" language.

Checking Account in Check

Despite the less than spring-like temperatures lately, I am convinced that spring is here. I’ve received confirmation as to the truth of this surmise based on the fact that most everything is growing. My sneezy nose and weepy eyes will attest to the fact that the pollen count is thickening. And S1 and S2 have been less than thrilled about the lawn mowing required since the grass is rising. But sprouting has occurred beyond the obvious springtime cues.

For example, D2’s unfinished homework pile is swelling. My restaurant accounting paperwork is mounting. The laundry pile is always flourishing. And since it’s been a few months since New Years Resolutions, although I've avoided obtaining actual proof, it's possible I may be thriving as well.

There is hardly anything around me that is not expanding. Except…unfortunately, despite the tulips planted by the front doors of the depository, and the cheesy Easter cut outs at the teller windows, my bank account seems to be oblivious to all hints that spring is here.

The Prettiest Sight to See

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Which can be very exciting if you're just getting over that stuffed feeling from eating too much Thanksgiving turkey and you're singing Christmas carols while hanging decorations on the the tree. But when you are planning Easter Egg hunts and the Christmas lights have been packed away in the basement for three months, it's not so thrilling.

Winter storms in the spring, are not uncommon where we live, but ten days ago, while the kids were running through the sprinklers and getting sunburned laying out on beach towels on the driveway, I took that as a good sign to finally clean out the mudroom for the season. Dragging snowboards, sleds, snow boots, hats, and mittens to the basement, I made room for the increasing clutter of flip flops, sunscreen, bottles of bubbles, kites and visors. In hindsight, I should have known such an act would send a red alert to Mother Nature.

This morning, after bundling the children up in their beach towels, I drove them to school in 4-wheel drive and marvelled at our blessed winter storm. Luckily, the holiday decorations are not buried too deep in the basement clutter. Now, if only I could decide what to ask Santa to bring me for Christmas.