It's Official: I'm a Dealer

Politically speaking I am more of a Republican than anything. However, I'm not as Republican as some since I actually do care about the environment. And I'm not a huge NRA activist. In fact, while I understand the right to bear arms was a fundamental liberty once-upon-a-time, I am not so fond of guns or their accouterments. I don't care to see, touch or hear them.

So you might be able to imagine my surprise when my father-in-law brought an old circa 1965 US military ammunition box to my home for Sunday dinner. But, as is typical for George, the surprises did not stop there.

"Hey, Deb," he called out as he was leaving for the evening, "Can you give that ammo box to Steve at work on Monday."

I like my brother-in-law (aka my co-worker) Steve and am happy to facilitate family errands, so naturally I replied, "Of course."

"Your employer shouldn't mind too much, right," he stated more than asked.

"I don't think Security is going to stop me over an ammo box," I said, suddenly doubting it myself, "It's not like there is really ammunition in there."

George looked at me in silence.

"There isn't ammunition in that box. Is there?" I asked.

"Well sure, some," he admitted, and then turned around and walked out my front door.

I am not experienced in dealing arms. So the next day I called my brother-in-law at work from a phone in an empty conference room. I asked him to meet me at my car, because I had a very important package for him.

Is that how you deal in contraband? Hope so.

Slow to Spot Celebrity Sighting

Several years ago George, my father-in-law, who knows just enough about popular culture to get himself in trouble, was walking Main Street in downtown Park City, Utah. He saw this tall dark-haired young man with a curly blond male companion walk by. Immediately, he realized the brunet looked very familiar.

George turned around and shouted, "Hey! I know you!" Surprisingly, the two kept on walking without even flinching. George started after the young adults insisting, "Stop! You with the dark hair - I know you from somewhere." Not at all deterred by their refusal to slow down, let alone turn around, George continued now almost in a jog, chasing after the mysterious people. His rantings continued as well with, "I think I know your dad. What's your name? Hey! I'm talking to you! Who are you?"

Finally, Joey Slotnick turned around and revealed, "His name is David Schwimmer". George's eyes looked up and to the left as he scratched his chin, trying to recall any Schwimmers he might know. Joey, by now exasperated, added, "He's famous; he's on Friends." Shaking his head, the helpful friend turned around and ran to catch up with the Ross Geller look alike.

A few months after that David Schwimmer appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman. On late night television the Friends star complained about being harassed every where he went, including a trip to Utah for the Sundance Film Festival where this older guy would not stop insisting that he knew him somehow. Hmmmm....now who could that have been?

Busier Than a One Armed Paperhanger

My father-in-law George called Thursday evening and when I asked how he was, he replied, “Busier than a one armed paperhanger.” In case you’ve never heard this phrase before, which could be possible if you’ve never met my father-in-law, but definitely not possible if you have, let me explain.

This expression is thought to have originated in Mississippi. I don’t know if they have a high percentage of single limbed people employed in the wallcovering business in that state. Perhaps there was just one particularly notable appendage-missing member of the paperhanger's guild that started the idea. Either way, someone obviously found non politically correct humor in how incredibly overloaded this poor contractor was. And so a phrase was coined.

The paperhanger response is just one of many great "Georgisms", as I affectionately like to call them. In case you never get the opportunity to meet George in person, here is some of what you’ll be missing:

“Smells worse than the south end of north bound sheep.” This can be used to describe a variety of situations from babies waddling in bad diapers to dinner cooking on the stove.

“Look! A rose between two thorns.” At first glance, not too unusual until you realize he is almost always using it to describe himself while seated between two women.

“More nervous than a long tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs." Most often this is used to aptly describe upcoming doctor and dental appointments.

“My you’re looking beautiful today.” Actually, a seemingly nice compliment if you disregard that he most often conveys the sentiment first thing in the morning, when he is talking to you over the phone. On the mornings I get those phone calls, you can be sure that I am not looking very beautiful, but, I probably am busier than a one armed paperhanger.